Discernment is not easy; it is messy and confusing and enlightening. I often have more questions than answers and my questions lead to more questions. I share my stream of queerying consciousness below; I am mindful that it is not the traditional post or writing. I share my questions, thought quirks, and other randomness as a way of writing them into possibility for myself and hopefully some of them will spark insights in you.
Want to make Goddess laugh, tell Her your plans!
WTF … so appropriate in response to so many things as it has so many meanings, especially for all that is happening in me and around me.
How do I live into a calling that is all of me? Is all of me welcome? I am tired of having to compartmentalize myself for other’s comfort. How can this queer trans Latinx diva of spirit who is a social worker and activist theologian who is married, balding, neurodiverse, and a child of immigrants (and a whole lot more) place all of who I am into a vocational calling? Is it perhaps callings? The response I felt from the sacred is “yassss, queen, I want all of you…you better werk” (perhaps God is the original drag queen).
I often tell others to dream big. In reflecting on this for myself, I find myself a little overwhelmed as I have a creatively expansive and vivid imagination. Spirit’s response was “bring it on.” I once went to a lecture in which the speaker shared that the divine speaks to us in our dreams. My query at the moment is wondering if there is a geek squad for broken dream receivers? What is Goddess dreaming in me? What does Goddess want to dream through me?
Be your trancestors and ancestors and qcestors wildest dream … we are not alone on this journey, there are many who travel with us. How am I continuing the legacies I have inherited? How will those who come after me embody my wildest dreams?
Is it selfish to set aside time to grapple with calling and vocations and visions and ministries? There are people who are literally being killed and silenced right now. What is the calling in the now and in the present? How do we live in the tension of now with the possibilities of not yet? With all that is happening in the world, is “Let Go and Let God” safe?
The lyrics to Avalon’s “Dreams I Dream for You” permeate within me. The “dreams I dream for you are deeper than the ones you’re clinging to … let the old dreams die and take this cup I offer…”. Powerful and eekifying words. These dreams have helped me survive for so long, its hard to let go. The sacred response I received was “delfin, I want you to thrive.” I’ve been in survival mode for so long, what would thriving look like? It is tempting to get caught up in comparing myself to others … “they have it all together” … “what have I done with my life?” … “this is not what was supposed to happen, by now I should have…”. And God reminded me several times that I need to stop and recognize that I’ve done a lot of things, the GPS directions have rerouted as the roads of life have shifted and others are under construction. Also, everyone is a hot mess whether they show it or not. Amazing things have happened, are happening, and will happen.
It is said that Mother Teresa once said that God has given her a number of things to do but that she was so far behind she would never die. I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up, showing up late, getting caught in the fluidity of time. I find myself creating a to do list for the to do list of the to do list. Thank Goddess for her patience!!!
Vision … sight … seeking … eyeballs. What are the spiritual carrots that are helping me with visioning and discernment? Do I need a special set of glasses? Is there a such thing as spiritual lasik surgery?
Who is the “thou” in “Be Though my Vision”? Am I God’s vision? Is Goddess my vision? Are we each other’s visions and how are we visioning together?
I am mindful that this a ramble and jumble of many things. I am a social worker, educator, theologian, and activist; this is just the scratching of the surface of my life and vocation. As a person who is living into intersectional wholeness and fierceness, I am realizing that calling and ministry is plural…the various threads create a tapestry adding much needed pizzazz to life (for myself and through me for others). How do we break binary thinking regarding discernment and delve deeper in order to weave the many strands individually and collectively—what is the third way of vocational discernment and scheming? At this point in my life I am figuring out how to intermingle these aspects of my calling and resisting the many frameworks that try to silo them and ultimately compartmentalize my spirit and personhood. Its all connected; I just need to percolate with the connections and through the connections.
This song kept coming to mind and heart as I reflected, re-reflected, re-re-reflected. It’s a throw back to my good ol’ catholic fundamentalist days whose lyrics take on new meaning today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwoJ-CplsG8